Fuck.

Here she is again, getting herself into drama… (me).

I have been having mixed feelings about a friend of mine for about 2 years now (yes, even when I was in a relationship). Now I feel that those confused feelings are beginning to make themselves a bit easier to read, but a lot harder to manage.

We are not just friends. We are not ‘cousins’, he is not like ‘my brother’ and when asked the answer is no longer ‘nothing has ever happened between us’ because it most certainly has.

There are a lot of layers and issues to this shit preventing us from having a normal ease into being ‘something’..

  • He has a girlfriend
  • He lives with my ex boyfriend
  • I am about to go away for 6 months

I think the main thing I am currently focused on is that I cannot remember ever feeling so connected to someone. So honestly understood. When we lay together it felt like we were the only people in the universe, I felt so sexy and so wanted and I wanted him, more than I can recall wanting anyone in my life. I hope I had just as much of an impact but at the same time I don’t want him to think I am completely in love with him (not sure if thats the case!) because he isn’t mine.

I don’t want to catch any more feelings than I have already because I will be the one that gets hurt here.. 100%.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUK FUCK FUCK FUUUUUUUCK..

7 Years

It has been 7 years since we spoke.

It has been 7 years since I heard you laugh.

It has been 7 years since I came to you for advice.

It has been 7 years since I cried on your shoulder.

It has been 7 years since you held me.

It has been 7 years since I smelt you.

It has been 7 years since I called you, ‘Mum’.

It has been 7 years since my heart was broken.

It has been 7 years since I lost part of myself.

It has been 7 years of confusion.

It has been 7 years of anger.

It has been 7 years of trying desperately to make it by myself.

It has been 7 years of growing.

It has been 7 long, tough years.

The girl I was at 16 vs the woman I am now at 23 both pine for it to be 7 years ago.

Secrets Are Lies

I want to hear the truth.

I want to understand what was going through your head for the past year.

I want to know when you met her.

I want to know what you texted her when you were also texting me.

I want to get closure.

I want you to apologize.

I want to understand how you could lie to me.

I want to know when you stopped caring about how what you do affects me.

I want to know when you stopped putting me first.

I want to know how you can claim to still ‘love’ me, but then not love me at all?

I want to stop smoking so much weed.

I want to stop feeling so anxious.

I want to stop comparing my life to yours.

I want to be OK.

It All Comes Crashing Down

The games end.

Inconsistency has to be one of the major causes of anxiety right? Especially when in love with someone.

If on a Monday you feel loved, held and needed; you feel like you’re mended and secure, but then on the Friday (once again) you feel so disconnected, embarrassed and used – how are you to feel sane?

Men play games, not all men do this consciously but all men play games. We are very often seen to as the dramatic, gossipy, attention-seeking sex when in fact it we are the ones with the ability to provide emotional trust and open conversation when it is the men (and their egos) that cannot allow themselves to be open or vulnerable so they in fact, play games.

They must remain interesting. They must remain dominating. They cannot for any reason be made to look a fool. In having all these self-given rules they cannot commit to being the person you need, they know you know you need that guy so they will make sure you’re aware of his capabilities of being him. But he cannot let his guard down full time, because if he did – what would you do?

I have come to learn that we have the exact same trust issues as one another (me and my ex), the issues aren’t that we are necessarily seeing other people behind each others backs or that we don’t actually love each other… We don’t trust that we aren’t going to hurt each other again. We don’t trust that we aren’t going to give up on each other again. We don’t trust that we could do what we both want the other to do. We don’t trust that we have the same understanding of what it is we need to do to move forward.

One of us wants to talk about this, the other is too scared…

And for me..

I know him better than anyone. I know that he is worried about the way he could bring me into his new found life and independence with out making me feel paranoid or insecure.

I am worried that he won’t be able to make me a priority – I am worried that he doesn’t remember who I am and why he loves me. And yes, I’m worried I could become reliant on him again and lose my independence despite going over and over the things I’d change…

To conclude, I ended the back-and-forth, anxiety causing, sleep depriving, self harming, intensely sad and stressful relationship we were sharing… Over text :-/

I felt once again so insecure with what he was feeling that I could not go another day with the daunting feeling of not being good enough and the concern that he could dip again at any minute and leave me with no answers and 1,000 followers to focus on… I felt I had no choice or I was starting to disrespect myself. I’m hurt, I’m empty, I’m weak and I’m alone.. But I have no other choice than to carry on and realize my beauty, passion and potential.

Girls are fierce.

note to any girl going through a hard time : Watch Seasons 5-8 of Rupauls Drag race and you’ll feel powerful and distracted

Its long. (Pyshco Ex-Girlfriend Post)

Having patience is something I have never been known for, so when it comes to my relationship and rekindling ‘something’ with my ex, all I can do is dream about the end goal. I forget the learning, growing and changing we need to do before we can get back to the happiness, comfort and love that we used to have between us.

The less ‘into it’ he thinks I am the keener he is to be mine, this can’t surely last forever because if it did – our relationship would be based on games and me trying to trap him into loving me by being someone/something I’m not; distant, strong-minded, completely independent and uninterested in him. I want him to love me equally when I’m at my weakest, neediest, loneliest and need him… Not saying this is forever – but right now its hard to hide those sides of me as they are scarred all over my face, I look scary, unappealing and he doesn’t know if he can handle it.

I know I’m not the only girl and he is definitely not the only guy to only show or feel interested when the other isn’t, but this is surely down to not having enough open and honest conversations? Surely for him to understand me and why I am sometimes demanding (or as he probably see’s me ‘the needy/psycho ex girlfriend’) he needs to be open with me too? I cannot pretend to not care about him.. Because I do, I love him. I cannot pretend to not have anxiety, we’ve been broken up for almost a year and I have no idea what he’s been doing, who he’s been fucking, if he is still planning on pursuing them despite us rekindling?

He has now told me he loves me, I’ve been the highlight of his week and many more kind, loving words – but he’s not mine so I still can’t manage my anxiety.

If I don’t show him attention surely he’ll look for it elsewhere? But if I show him attention he thinks I’m over baring or gets confused about what he wants…

Its long, sometimes I want to give up on him… But guys need time right?

Must.Keep.Growing.