The games end.
Inconsistency has to be one of the major causes of anxiety right? Especially when in love with someone.
If on a Monday you feel loved, held and needed; you feel like you’re mended and secure, but then on the Friday (once again) you feel so disconnected, embarrassed and used – how are you to feel sane?
Men play games, not all men do this consciously but all men play games. We are very often seen to as the dramatic, gossipy, attention-seeking sex when in fact it we are the ones with the ability to provide emotional trust and open conversation when it is the men (and their egos) that cannot allow themselves to be open or vulnerable so they in fact, play games.
They must remain interesting. They must remain dominating. They cannot for any reason be made to look a fool. In having all these self-given rules they cannot commit to being the person you need, they know you know you need that guy so they will make sure you’re aware of his capabilities of being him. But he cannot let his guard down full time, because if he did – what would you do?
I have come to learn that we have the exact same trust issues as one another (me and my ex), the issues aren’t that we are necessarily seeing other people behind each others backs or that we don’t actually love each other… We don’t trust that we aren’t going to hurt each other again. We don’t trust that we aren’t going to give up on each other again. We don’t trust that we could do what we both want the other to do. We don’t trust that we have the same understanding of what it is we need to do to move forward.
One of us wants to talk about this, the other is too scared…
And for me..
I know him better than anyone. I know that he is worried about the way he could bring me into his new found life and independence with out making me feel paranoid or insecure.
I am worried that he won’t be able to make me a priority – I am worried that he doesn’t remember who I am and why he loves me. And yes, I’m worried I could become reliant on him again and lose my independence despite going over and over the things I’d change…
To conclude, I ended the back-and-forth, anxiety causing, sleep depriving, self harming, intensely sad and stressful relationship we were sharing… Over text
I felt once again so insecure with what he was feeling that I could not go another day with the daunting feeling of not being good enough and the concern that he could dip again at any minute and leave me with no answers and 1,000 followers to focus on… I felt I had no choice or I was starting to disrespect myself. I’m hurt, I’m empty, I’m weak and I’m alone.. But I have no other choice than to carry on and realize my beauty, passion and potential.
Girls are fierce.
note to any girl going through a hard time : Watch Seasons 5-8 of Rupauls Drag race and you’ll feel powerful and distracted